If there was a survey that everyone in America were required to take that asked “What was the hardest thing that you have had to do in life?” there would be many different answers. Some would say graduating college, some would emphatically say Law school. Then someone might add being a parent is by far the toughest job. Out of those answers none of them are incorrect. Even though those were examples of perspective answers that might be given they do represent people who come from different backgrounds. While most people come from different backgrounds, there is one thing that for sure many if not most people have experienced. It’s the one thing that has left many as casualties and fatalities physically and emotionally. It has caused emotional distress and trauma. It is a break up.
Now to be clear every breakup isn’t bad. Some breakups are civilized where two parties agree to part ways. No one lifts their voice nor does it cause commotion. I believe every break up should be like that, but the different backgrounds that I mentioned earlier make it extremely difficult for that to happen. Then youhave the bad breakups where a couple of shoes may fly or bad names are used. Which ever type of break up you have experienced or will experience I want to help you out with 7 things that I have learned that helped me get over the breakups that I have experienced.
- Cut and close all communication access This may be the hardest part of the whole list. In the beginning when you are upset at the person you have ended the relationship with or just got dumped by it is easy not contact themfor some. Your adrenaline is rushing you are upset. You make statements like I don’t ever want to speak to “so and so” again or “I can care less about them”. It sounds good in the beginning but when you have been so accustomed to talkingto a person for a certain amount of time per day for how ever long you were in the relationship it becomes very hard not to want to contact them back. When I played basketball and was being taught different moves the one thing my coach would teach us was about muscle memory. If you do it right and consistent everytime while you are practicing the move it will become easier for you during the actual game. Its the same concept with moving on. Because your body, emotions, and mind has been programmed and accustomed to talking to the person or hanging around it going to require a reset of muscle memory. It is not easy but overtime your body, mind and emotions will regrow accustomed to not being able to communicate with that person.
- Get rid of all gifts It may sound harsh, brutal, and hard to do, but you have to get rid of the gifts that was given to you by your former partner. Let me ask you this. When was the last time you went to yourold neighborhood? I like to visit occasionally to show my new friends where I grew up at. It is a sense of pride, excitement, and exhilaration. Every-time I have went to my old neighborhood and I approached certain parts of the neighborhood it brought up old memories. I will go even further there were certain parts of the street that not only brought back certain memories, but it dug up old emotions that I felt when I was whatever age I was when I lived there. It didn’t matter whether it was good or bad. Its the same thing with gifts. They cause you to relive memories no matter if it was good or bad. How many times has a person went back to vomit/bad relationship because of a memory that caused them to miss something that was bad for them. Now another thing that I experienced for me was songs that we both liked or danced to. I had toforce myself to listen to them so that I could hear them in public and not have a negative experience nor feeling.
- Stop visiting their social media It is very tempting to want to go lurking on the page of an ex. When they have pissed you off so bad you want to see how good or bad that they are doing. Your preference is that they are doing bad lol, but in the case that they aredoing good it is easy for that to set you back. Now we are not trying to hide any emotions nor teach you to dig it away, but what I am saying is that you will not be able to heal properly by visiting their social media.
- Don’t jump in rebound relationships When my relationships would end I did not cope well with being alone. I suffered from rejection as a child. So I had to have the opposite sex’s attention always. That would in return cause me to immediately get into asituationship that was usually with someone just as emotionally fractured asme. This is what we call a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships are “usually” created as a way to get over the last relationship whether it isconsciously or sub-consciously done. There are some times where a rebound relationship lasts. Most times they don’t last. It could be a mixture of two dysfunctional, wounded people trying to love each other but are unable to do so properly because they has patched up the wound that is causing them to bleed out all over the relationship. It also can be a person that has been single and healed and they get deceived by someone who appears to be healed, but really isn’t. To be fair I have been that guy in the past where was the person who wasn’t healed completely from my last relationship. It is a time waster for both parties, it is damaging to the other person, and it affects those around you guys. Especially when you guys are meeting families. It can be devastating
- Allow yourself time to mourn I am convinced that when we die and our funerals are planned and executed that that won’t be the first time we experience death. In fact death is not limited to a person going to the other side of the grave. As a Christian we believe that according to Galatians 2:20 that we are crucified with Christnever the less we live yet not I but Christ lives in I”. That is a form of death to oneself. When you start a business and it fails that is a form of death. When a relationship ends it is a form of death (not to a person), but to an association that was once full of life with joy, excitement, and obvious bad times. When ever there is a death there must be a funeral. The funeral providesthe opportunity for each person connected to the thing that died to mourn the loss. They acknowledge the good and remember the bad and when it is time to goto the burial and the casket drop that is the time let it the pain associatedwith it go, but yet take the good and move on. It is the same concept when arelationship ends. You must give your self a chance to acknowledge all of the good that happened. It wasn’t all bad. Then give yourself the opportunity tosee what went wrong. What did you do wrong, what did they do wrong? What red flags did you miss? Cry pout, throw temper tandrums at home. Acknowledge yourpain because pain has never disappeared because it was ignore. It actually isthe baby stage of bitterness, anger, and hate. So Mourn, but don’t over do it either.
- Daily Declarations When someone breaks up with you it causes you to question everything. It causes you to question mostly things about yourself especially if you have low self esteem. When I lost my relationship there were thoughts that tried to bombard my mind about my ability to be a good boyfriend, about my future as a husband,and even my ability to be a good father one day. In my case words wasn’t really exchanged but many times the relationship ends with negative words exchanged and words used in a violent way that can unknowingly effect you. The best way to fight that is to fight back those thoughts through prayer, and daily declarations. What do I mean by daily declarations? I personally believe that life and death lies in your tongue. Have you ever said something out loud and it took place not too long later. Well its the same concept if someone says something negative you can fight those negative words spoken over you byfighting back with words. Not at or towards the person. To be honest if someone says anything towards you just walk away. You can fight back by figuring outexactly what the words are targeting. Is it your manhood? Is it your confidence? Or is it your future? Whatever it is you replace those words withpositive words that you believe is in your future. EG If your ex say or if thethoughts present themselves to you that says “Nobody else will want you” You respond by saying daily “I am worth someone’s time and energy and I will make agreat spouse.” You can create a paragraph or two of daily declarations like that you will
- See A Therapist You are not crazy for seeing someone who is paid to not share your information and who is paid to listen to you. Yes you have big mama and friendswho will listen for free, however their advice sounds good but is not necessarily always the most healthy advice. When you are hurt you need someone trained to help get through those feelings.